paradox newspaper
THE PARADIGM PARADOX Prevarication For Profit ********************************************* PRENUP SPAWNS DIVORCE COURT DISCORD Marital Madness Makes Minotaur Market Moo Following last month's stabilizing financial trends, the Aarchon investors' market has entered a rather bullish phase, characterized by increased consumer spending and spurred by interest rates being dramatically reduced to a whopping zero percent. Encouraged by this favorable climate, some of the largest corporations in Aarchon have expanded into more speculative ventures. For example, in addition to their regular money laundering services (starch is extra), Pandemic Enterprises has managed to corner the anthrax market, currently testing a powdered cutaneous form of the disease which can be easily transported via the mail services. More surprising news, however, has been generated from the venerable halls of Paradigm Industries. The executive board of Paradigm has long been searching for a new CEO to replace Rynor after he swindled the company out of millions and absconded to the Caribbean. Since no single member of the board was a majority shareholder, however, agreement upon a suitable CEO candidate was never reached and contract negotiations broke down on several occaisions. The despairing board was settling into yet another set of talks when an unexpected telegram was received last week. The contents of said telegram have not been disclosed to the press in full detail, but it is known that the telegram was sent by Matlock of Cable Legal Services, Inc. on behalf of one Eris, Chair of Discordia and former wedded wife of former Paradigm CEO, Rynor. The telegram apparently indicated that Rynor, in a prenuptial agreement with Eris, had signed 51% of Paradigm Stock ownership to his wife in case of divorce or separation, giving her majority control of the company should such unhappy events occur. Since the unhappy event DID, in fact, occur, the telegram pointed out that Eris could now, if she so wished, take over control of Paradigm Industries. After purusing the prenup agreement them- selves, the executive board reluctantly acknowledged its legitimacy and resigned themselves to the rule of the reigning Porn Queen of Discordia. Contrary to rumor, Pandemic Enterprises had nothing to do with the subsequent chain of events. Grandpa Parademia reluctantly withdrew his hostile takeover bid for Paradigm Industries in fear of facing the wrath of Eris, although his underlings continue to make false press statements to the contrary. Instead, Eris noted that her new husband, Bobble, was tired of being a single digit in a binary world and offered him the CEO position. After discussing it with the executive board, the negotiations were completed quickly and Bobble was hired almost immediately. Company employees were very pleased by the new appointment as stock prices soared to unprecedented heights as consumer confidence in Paradigm was reaffirmed.